


I Thought I Couldn't Love Anymore (Turns out I can't, not for the same reasons as before)

by Nightingale101



Category: Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Johnny is in Female V's Body, Love Confessions, M/M, Temperance Ending, also probs lots of spelling mistakes i'm tired, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 05:15:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29308653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightingale101/pseuds/Nightingale101
Summary: V was standing on his doorstep. She was soaking wet, shivering slightly, and she was promptly staring at Kerrys’ shoes, her fists clenched at her side, trembling.“V?” she looked up at him, and through the crushing sadness that was present in her eyes, he saw a spark of something familiar. Something he’d be able to recognize anywhere. “…Johnny.”Orthe one where Johnny goes to Kerry after he loses V in Mikoshi
Relationships: Johnny Silverhand/V, Kerry Eurodyne/Johnny Silverhand
Comments: 2
Kudos: 48





	I Thought I Couldn't Love Anymore (Turns out I can't, not for the same reasons as before)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so this is my first time actually writing anything like this, so hopefully its good. 
> 
> let me know. 
> 
> Also Johnny is in Female V's body.
> 
> Sotry Title is from [Your Sister Was Right ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTnxeXyprwM) by Wilbur Soot.

**I thought I couldn't love anymore**

**(Turns out I can't, not for the same reasons as before)**

It was three in the morning and pouring with rain when Kerry heard a knock on his door. Well, he heard pounding at the door. Since his guard bots didn’t activate, he assumed it was someone he knew. He opened the door.

V was standing on his doorstep. She was soaking wet, shivering slightly, and she was promptly staring at Kerrys’ shoes, her fists clenched at her side, trembling.

“V?” she looked up at him, and through the crushing sadness that was present in her eyes, he saw a spark of something familiar. Something he’d be able to recognize anywhere. “…Johnny.”

To Kerry’s Surprise the other man started crying. Tears streamed down Vs face, like he’d been holding on to them for a long time, and he finally let the flood gates open.

“I’m sorry... i-I didn’t know where to go… I..” Johnny cut off by a sob. This wasn’t the first time Johnny had turned up on Kerry’s doorstep in the middle of the night, after some kind of devastating event, some kind of crisis. He felt a pool a dread start to develop in the pit of his stomach. Something terrible must have happened. Kerry reached out and grabbed Johnny’s wrist, dragging Johnny over the threshold. He closed the door

He tried to move them further into the space, rather than hovering in his doorway, but Johnny stopped dead in his tracks. Johnny stood in front of him, he grabbed onto Kerry’s arms, like he was bracing himself, or maybe using the other man as an anchor. His head was bowed, looking the ground between them. Kerry had never seen him like this.

“V’s gone.” He sobbed, his hands held on to Kerry’s arms like vice grips, Vs long nails digging into the exposed skin of his arms.

“What do you mean gone?” Kerry grasped Johnny’s arms in his hands, if he didn’t, he felt like the other man would collapse on the floor in front of him. Johnny shook his head.

“The bio-chip- I couldn’t...“ he was cut off again by another sob. “it was too late… she...”

“Johnny…” Kerry let go of one of Johnny’s arms, the other man loosened his grip on Kerry’s arm but he kept his fingers loosely wrapped around it. Kerry brought his hand to Johnny’s face, he cupped his cheek, running his thumb along Johnny’s cheek bone, feeling the tears run down his face- _V’s face_. He moved his fingers to the others chin, angling it up to get Jonny to look at him.

V’s make up had run down her face with Johnny’s tears, leaving streaks of gold down her- _Johnny’s_ – cheeks, Kerry had the abstract thought that V was a beautiful crier. Johnny hadn’t cried when Alt had died. He was too full of anger and hate. Too out of touch with his other emotions. But now.. Kerry could see the grief in his eyes, tinged with regret, and a little bit of anger. The emotions too much for him to process in any other way but an onslaught of tears.

“I always mess e-everything up.” Johnny said, through his tears. “Even when I try t-to do the right thing.. it just all goes to shit.”

Johnny loved V, truly loved her, Kerry could see that. And he could see Johnny’s heart breaking. Watching it crumble before his eyes. He didn’t know what to do.

“...Why..” Johnny’s voice came out in barely a whisper, broken and thick with emotion. “Why do I screw everything up? She deserved so much better. She deserved the world and what did she get? Johnny Fucking Silverhand, here to burn everything down to the ground. Everything I touch turns to ash and dust. I- I couldn't even get us right. You and me. And we were- we were-”

Kerry cut him off that time by pulling him into a hug. V’s frame was small against him. Johnny froze for a moment as Kerry wrapped his arms around his shoulders, the last time Kerry had hugged him like this was after he came back from the war. After a few seconds, Johnny relaxed into the touch, his arms wrapping around Kerry and he buried his face in Kerry’s shoulder.

He didn’t know what to say as Johnny sobbed into his shoulder. He could not conjure an image of Johnny sobbing no matter how hard he tried, this might be the first time he’d ever see the other man cry like this. And he wasn’t about to lie to Johnny either, everything he touched did seem to break, in one way or another. It wasn’t always the Rockerboy’s fault, but he was usually a factor. But Kerry wasn’t about to throw that back in his face when he was so clearly emotionally distraught.

“It’s… okay...” Kerry didn’t understand exactly what had happened. Johnny had explained it to him – V, Arasaka (those bastards), the Bio-chip,- but if he was being honest, he was kinda of drunk during that conversation, and he didn’t really understand it, he’d never asked V himself, never really had the chance too. “We… we can figure this out.”

It took about an hour for Johnny to calm down enough for him to tell Kerry what had happen. V was gone. The bio-chip had done enough damage that she would’ve died in a matter of months, so she had given her body to Johnny. For him to live on. Kerry wasn’t going to lie, he was heartbroken about V. she was the true ride or die friend he’s been missing for a long time, but she also wasn’t afraid to call him out when she thought he was pushing it to far, like with the Us Cracks girls. Her giving up her body for someone else, someone who she deeply cared about, was exactly something she would do. He regretted not spending more time with her, getting to know her better.

Johnny was currently laying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. Kerry was lying in bed next to him, on his side. Watching him. He’d been quiet for a while, occasionally his eyes lit up blue as V’s phone went off with someone trying to contact her. Johnny sent them all to voice mail.

“What did you mean before,” Johnny looked over at him, a piece of V’s long hair fell onto his face. Kerry reached out and tucked it behind his ear, his hand lingered on Johnny’s face for a moment, before he withdrew it. “about messing us up.”

Johnny went back to looking at the ceiling. “Just… you were in love with me, right?”

“Yeah.” he didn’t hesitate to answer, there was no point, although he dropped his eyes from Johnnys face, instead looking at the bed spread between them, running his fingers along the pattern of the bed spared. He knew that Johnny had known about how he felt, not that either of them had addressed the issue before. “for quite a long time.”

“See, I knew that.” Johnny answered, providing proof of what Kerry had already knew. “For ages. I just... strung you along, knew I could get you to do anything I wanted. You and Rouge. I was a terrible person Ker. Why did you...? I didn’t deserve it.”

“I dunno man.” Kerry rolled onto his back, joining Johnny in staring at the ceiling, he put his hands behind his head. “the hearts w-“

“If you say ‘the heart wants what the heart wants’ I’m gonna slap you.” Johnny interrupted. Kerry laughed.

“I don’t know what to say man, I was like 16 when I realized the way I felt about you.” His eyes roamed the ceiling as he thought about the moment he’d realized he was in love with Johnny. they were walking from the bus stop to Johnny’s place up a hill, Johnny was stood at the top, looking down at him, Guitar on his back and back lit by the setting sun. He remembered having the exact thought of _Oh, I’m in love with him… fuck._ “And I never once thought you were undeserving of love. Besides…us fooling around… at the time, all those times through the years, that was enough for me.”

“Well it shouldn’t have been. You should have kicked me to the curb anytime I tried to get in your pants.”

“Is there a point to this, Johnny? Or are you just giving me reasons why I should have hated you, because there were pliantly of times, I had that feeling for you too.” He flicked his tongue across the small scar on his upper lip.

Johnny was silent for a moment. He’d started bouncing his foot. A sign Kerry knew meant he was feeling anxious. “I just… I never thought about it… it was like, what? 15 years, or something, of us – me and you – falling into bed together, a causal relationship.”

Kerry rolled back onto his side to look at him. “Right.”

“Kerry, I think I _was_ in love with you.” Johnny kept his eyes glued to the ceiling, avoiding Kerry’s gaze. “I didn’t really think about it until you and V were hanging out, when I realized how badly I’d treated you. You’re my best friend, everything was so easy with you and in all my other experience, love wasn’t easy. Alt, Rouge, all the others. it was a constant uphill battle, always fighting something, always clashing. That’s all I thought love could be. But then with V…”

“You loved her.” Johnny looked at a Kerry then, and he could see tears in his eyes, V’s eyes.

“It was so easy to love her. It just happened, no uphill battle. It was easy to be around her, and I could think clearly around her. And then she made me think of you.” Johnny put his hands over his face, to hide his fresh tears or to hide from Kerry’s eyes watching him, the other man wasn’t sure. “How easy it was for me to be with you. How you made everything simpler. How you calmed my fucked-up mind”

Johnny rubbed his hands on his face, smudging Vs make up further, he scratched the side of his face with the nail of V’s thumb

“Ow fuck” he pulled his hands from his face, examining V’s long fingernails. “God these nails, how did she not scratch herself to death.”

“Girls have special powers.” Kerry answered nonchalantly. Johnny looked at him, trying to discern anything from the other man’s expression. Johnny thought he just looked sad.

“Ker, I’m sorry.” Johnny barely whispered. Johnny’s hand was resting on the bed between them, Kerry reached for it with his, intertwining their fingers.

“What are you sorry for Johnny.”

“I don’t know… Everything… for being fifty years too late.” Johnny said, he was looking at their hands together on the bed. watching How Kerry’s thumb was gently stroking his hand. A small comforting gesture. “For dragging up the past.”

“I get it… For you it’s not that long ago. What, like a month ago?” Kerry said He looked up to see Johnny watching him. “so… Does that mean you’re still in love with me?’

“…. Yes.” Johnny answered in a quiet voice, V’s voice could go a lot softer than Johnny’s could, Kerry could hardly hear his words. “are you... Are you still in love with me?”

“I’m always gonna be in love with you Johnny.” Kerry whispered back to him.

**Author's Note:**

> I might do more one shots set following this, or prequels to it. let me know if thats something you'd be interested in.


End file.
